Something From Nothing

If you had to sum up your whole self, your entire being, your soul into one word or phrase, what would it be? Whatever it is, it'll come from within. It'll come from experience, wisdom and knowledge. It'll come from thoughts and feelings, your own, on how you hope others perceive you because this is who you see when you look in the mirror. But where does all this enlightenment come from? Not from ourselves, no, it comes from everyone and everything we have encountered within our lifetime. Put it all together and it becomes a collection so unique to each individual, it cannot be equated. So how does one try and express, with understanding, themselves to another when the embodiment is so intensly personal? If, and I do mean if, it can be done it would require a very deep, very thorough self examination into the far recessess of our consciousess. In simpler terms, we would need to know what makes us tick. Think of it this way; for every action there is a re-action but that reaction stems from many different places. It comes from similar past experiences, observations, education and foresight. But what happens when many of these all-encompassing influences have been so full of adversity and disparage? The impact becomes undeniable and palpable; criminal activity, drug and alcohol addiction and abuse can all become by-products. While these will manifest themsevles internally as well as externally, by effecting innocents in a serious manner, there is also another side, another group whom are much more quietly marked. These are the ones suffering silently, the ones who refused to let the constant negativity control their actions. Unfortunetly though many have little to no mastery over their own minds. Whether affected with a mood, anxiety, eating or personality disorder, there are those of us who struggle to keep the underlying adverse thoughts from totally controlling our everyday thinking. Herein lies the true problem, at least for myself and it comes from mainly not being able to escape "Hot Thought" hell. What is a "Hot Thought" you may be wondering? Simply put, it is an primary automatic thought brought on by emotions and past evidence that can be found by peeling away layers of reactions. So, going back to my initial question of summing up ones 'being', the initial answer could lie in one such type of thought, but as I said, where does it come from? If you said, "I am honest" where is the proof for and against? It is buried inside yourself, waiting to be accessed when needed, all you need do is open the door. But what happens when this introspection comes up empty handed on evidence showing you in a positive light? And what if these persuasive discriminating considerations are so predominate that they have pushed their way to the surface and sit there and rule on from above? I'm speaking of "Hot Thoughts" such as "I am Ugly", "I fail, period" or "I am truly crazy." These lovely creeds burst forth in my mind continuesly througout my day, overpowering and almost completely obliterating my reactive thoughts. If I walk by a mirror, or a window and catch a glimpse of myself, the immediate mental response is simple, "Don't bother, nothings changed, your still ugly." Perhaps though a more crucial self analysis that has been imbedded within my identity is my ability to discern that I am, in fact, "touched." Oh, in my younger years I fought it, argued it, tried to ignore it but as time went on and the proof against my internal fight diminished, I eventually just..gave up. I do know that I am considered 'bright', or 'intelligent' beyond what is seen as "The Norm" but just look to history and you will find many brilliant, but crazy people; Beethoven, Freud, and Van Gogh to name a few. Perhaps, I can only hope, this insight into the past company I could have kept will be enough to carry me through another 43 years.