Awakening

Ok, time to touch on something new, something....refreshing, for a change. I mean let's face, no ones life is ALL bad. So, tonight I want to talk about admiration, gratitude and simply feeling alive. In order to do so I first must briefly touch on loneliness. As I said in an earlier post, I have been alone for a long, long time now and if anyone ever tries to tell you that being alone isn't painful... they lie, plain and simple. It hurts; it is a real physical ache deep down inside where no one can reach it, in the very depths of your soul. It's an anguish you feel in your heart that threatens to rip you apart from the inside out. You'll find that your wrapping your arms tightly around yourself over and over in order to keep the emotions from escaping and showing the world what your going through. Yes, it hurts and no one should ever have to feel so empty, so desolate, yet I have felt this too many times to count. Over the years though the feelings began to change; they became hardened, buried, and forgotten. In their place formed a coldness that was what I was sure was impenetrable because even I couldn't find those feelings inside of me anymore. They were just gone; Emotions most people feel everyday like attraction, arousal, love for that special someone. Then one night as I lie in bed I became acutely aware of something; I had finally conceeded and accepted that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
Many years later, on a quiet afternoon, I was sitting alone outside on my balcony. I was glancing around at the beauty surrounding me within the mountains when I was suddenly blindsided by an awareness that I couldn't initially even fathom. It didn't make sense, and for a few minutes all I felt was the mental images flying around in my head so fast I couldn't grasp even one long enough to hold on too. I forced myself to take a few deep breaths and calm down. After a minute or two I felt better, more in control and was able to focus on what I had just realized; after so long of being what I called 'dead inside', I was definitly feeling that uncertain, excited sensation of attraction for a particular gentleman. At first I kept asking myself how this had happened; how could I let this happen? No matter how hard I tried to reason it out though, to find intelligence within the emotions, I always came back to the same conclusion; how or why it happened, I didn't know, but nor did I care cause damn it felt good!
So there you have it, my moment of awakening. For the next couple of weeks I would revel in the ever increasing feelings as I once again got used to them. For no apparant reason I would find myself smiling, then realization would make me aware that I had, in fact, been thinking of that certain man. How amazing is it that just a single thought of someone can bring on such delight? It was the kindness I found in his eyes, along with the way they scrunched up in mirth. There was the gentleness of his voice, and how I found it so incredably soothing. This and more gave me such contentment when thinking of him and also the knowledge that this was someone I could trust, someone I could sit beside, close my eyes and feel no fear. Yes, I had come to a point where I would intentionally bring his presence to mind, to feel the warmth that it brought with it, but I also refused to allow any further rumination about him to surface. I had to put limits on myself, you see, because he has no idea that I even exist, at least not in the same sense as he does for me.
While I am immensely happy that such intriguing and intoxicating feelings have resurfaced for me, I am also quite disappointed in myself. During this whole process I have learned that our emotions don't always come with instructions or even common sense. Mine seem to have zero to none when they irrationally picked the target of their affection since nothing will ever come of it, but I guess feeling something is better than nothing. So, in the end, I will embrace it, hold onto it and yes, fear the day it will leave me barren once again. Throughout it all though, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to him, this very special human being, for even unintentionally finding his way into my thoughts and heart. Until the day comes where I can no longer handle this pleasure for its lack of reciprocation I will continue to admire from afar and keep my thoughts to myself.